Choosing adoption is such a huge decision, but a tremendously amazing one! When Wes and I finally accepted the fact that adoption was pretty much the only way we could build a family (or so we thought!), it was terrifying and overwhelming. Everyone hears the horror stories and remembers those more than the incredible stories, which are absolutely more common than anything else. I remember the first time we visited our agency and attended an orientation -- we were overloaded with information and decisions and honestly went away feeling resentful that we had to make these decisions. I kept thinking, "Why do I have to take this hard and emotionally taxing road when other people can just get knocked up and have 9 months to plan for the arrival of their kid?!?". In hindsight, I recognize that my initial reaction to accepting adoption was not only selfish and wrong, but it was also very natural and many people experience feelings similar to what I went through. So, if you are going through something similar, hang in there; I promise you a million times over that you will never regret a minute of the time, tears and devotion you will put into the process. We would not change a thing about our journeys and are truly grateful every single day for infertility because it brought us to our babies.
We arrived at our decision to adopt after nearly 3 years of coping with infertility, thousands of dollars spent on treatments, and a great deal of dismay. At the time, we were living in Richmond, so we attended an orientation at Commonwealth Catholic Charities, which was the first step in getting the process rolling. We attended the orientation in June of 2012, and to be honest, we both were overwhelmed afterwards. There was so much information presented in the orientation that we left with our heads spinning. In hindsight, it was all very valuable information, but at the time, we left with concerns over whether adoption truly was the right choice for us or not (versus continuing with fertility treatment), and then of course we had more decisions to make like choosing between domestic and international adoption. For a number of reasons, we pretty much immediately settled on domestic. We made the choice to wait a few months before officially applying for adoption, mainly because we wanted to be sure it was the right decision for us. In early December of 2012, we contacted Catholic Charities and submitted all of our paperwork, thus beginning our journey to becoming parents, and without the knowledge that our sweet baby girl Nora was already in utero!
We had our interview with the agency in late January, home study completed in March and then were approved and "waiting" by early April. The entire process of adoption forces you as parents and prospective parents to wrestle with some difficult choices: race, drug exposure, mental health issues, developmental delays, the nature of your relationship with the birth family, etc. are only a few of the very tough topics we had to consider at great length. From the time that we began "waiting" in early April until we were matched with Nora's birth mother in late June, we had about 4-5 birth parent profiles sent our way. A few of them were out of state and while we wanted to jump at the opportunities, we knew the bottom line financially could hinder us from adopting again anytime soon. Also, there is something magical about the adoption process that allows you to just know in your heart what is right.
Nora was born on Monday, July 29, 2013. Her birth mom had originally said she wanted us to be there soon after Nora was born, so we became very anxious when our social worker (who is THE BEST), called and told us that C (birth mom) was having some family visit the next day and that it would be best for us to arrive on Wednesday, the day C was being discharged. We immediately jumped to conclusions and thought she was wavering on her decision or that her family members may try to persuade her to not place Nora, etc. Looking back on it, I feel very selfish for feeling that way and am so glad that C had that time alone in the hospital with Nora. I actually think it would have been complicated to be there during the delivery and to be around her family members. We did meet C's mother (Nora's maternal grandma) when she came to pick her up, which was nice but very emotional. We spent about 2 hours alone in the room with C and baby Nora before C's mom arrived, and that was a little uncomfortable, but beautiful and important at the same time. The moment C handed us Nora (actually, handed her to Wes, since he jumped in front of me to grab her!) before she left was an incredibly emotional experience. C held each of us in her arms and cried, and I completely fell apart myself. There's something so unique in that moment when you feel joy for your new baby but also tremendous grief, sadness and even some guilt for the loss that the birth family is feeling. I never really knew how hard it could be to say "hello" and "goodbye" at the same time. Needless to say, it's a moment neither Wes nor I will every forget, and it is one we will cherish forever and look forward to sharing with Nora when she is old enough to understand.
We are fortunate to have a wonderful and constantly evolving "semi"-open relationship with Nora's birth mom. Each month we send her email updates from an anonymous email account we set up, and we also have visited twice with her -- once when Nora was 18 months old and again this past February. Our visits have been just perfect and we feel beneficial in Nora understanding a little bit more about who she is and all of the people in her life who love her deeply.
Now, Nora is fast-approaching her 4th birthday, which is impossible to believe! We are constantly learning more about ourselves as parents, our children, and our role as chosen adoptive parents. We made it a goal to never have a moment in our children's lives when they recall being sat down and told "you were adopted," so we've tried hard to weave the world "adoption," as well as their birth parents' names into their vocabularies form very early on. We're by no means perfect and certainly make mistakes every.single.day, but our beautiful, sweet, funny, oh-so-special babies ease those rough times tremendously.
If you or anyone you know is considering adoption, Wes and I are more than happy to answer any questions you may have! Feel free to email me at Charlton.charlotte@gmail.com or find me on Facebook :).
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